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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who
once said,
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and
replaced by exact duplicates."
Here is some more of his stuff:
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
(Think about it some more.)
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
it.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
 

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I love him. Anyone who has access to kazza or similar should d/l some of his stuff, it is great. I first saw him when i was a kid on A&E's Improve (i think) and i have loved his comedy ever since. Some of his others are:

I bought some powdered water, but waht do i add to it?

I got pulled over for going 60 in a 30mph zone, I just told the cop i was only planning on being out for 30mins.

You know that feeling you get when you lean back in a chair and almost fall but catch yourself? I feel like that all day long.
 
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