I'm Kind of a Big Deal
For those of you who plan to/have to visit Detroit for the holidays, or are just some stupid-azz cracker wanting to roll 8 Mile like Eminem, here are a few rules to follow:
Drive safe and enjoy your visit to Detroit!1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It's Di-troit - NOT Dee-troit. If pronounced Dee-Troit then you must be from Toledo, Canada, or in town for the country Music hoe-down.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Detroit has its own version of traffic rules... Hold on and pray! There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Detroit. Everyone drives like that.
3. When asking for directions, all directions replies are started with, "What do I look like - the #!#*!!# Triple A?"
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through rush hour traffic on Jefferson as a "Scenic Drive".
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00am. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. Weekends are open game.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way and then again shot.
7. Schoenherr can ONLY be properly pronounced by a native of the Detroit metro area. That goes for Gratiot too. (shane-er/grash-ot).
8. Construction and renovations on I-94, I-96, I-75 and 275 is a way of life and permanent form of entertainment.(aim at the road crew )
9. All unexplained and unpleasant sights are simplified by the phrase, "I guess we're not in Kansas anymore!"
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect OR can be explained as they are out-of-towners.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on 696 is 85 regardless of the posted speeds. Anything less is considered downright SISSY.
13. The wrought iron on windows in Detroit is NOT ornamental. DON'T get out of your car.
14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says "Keep honking, I'm reloading".
15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving 'because they are so friendly in Detroit'. I would suggest you duck.
16. I-275/696 is our daily version of NASCAR.
17. You must go a quarter of a mile out of your way to make a left hand turn.
18. When driving anywhere South of 8 Mile Rd. in Detroit, stop signs are optional. Seriously, just yield, the cops understand.
19. DO NOT try and find the church where the "rap-off" scene is filmed, and don't ask anyone where it is. Asking is a signal for "CAR-JACK ME".
20. White guys with dyed blonde hair are NOT popular in Detroit - don't dye your hair blonde, or if you did, wear a hat. For real.