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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I don't agree with this statement BTW . . . But it's really funny ;)


-----Original Message-----
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:


Correction Courtesy of Digger08
1) Pull into to "Bullock City" when the mileage reaches 8000-Kilometers
since the last oil change.


2) Drink a hot cup of coffee and relax.


3)60-minutes later, Pay cash and leave with a well-maintained vehicle.



MONEY SPENT :

Oil Change $30.00
Coffee $1.00

TOTAL: $31.00



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree; write check for $50.

2) Go by Qwik-Stop and buy a case of beer; write a check for
$20.00, drive home.

3) Drink a beer to "get started."

4) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, have another beer.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16" box-end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent-wrench instead.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Accidentally drop drain plug into pan of hot oil, splashing hot
oil on you in process.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on oil drops.

13) Another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30-minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and
twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot
oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
filter among debris in trash can to avoid environmental fee. Beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish t he oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled, and avoid environmental
fee.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all Saturday.

21) Walk to Qwik-Stop, buy more beer.

22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
to gasket surface.

Adding...

22a) Burn hand on manifold while pulling out oil filter. Bounce head off the hood as a reflex twitch from the burn

22b) Ask wife to go buy polysporin. Apply polysporin on burn wound

22c) Have another beer to cool off the bump on the head
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard --
along with drain plug.

27) Beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly
conceal oily patch of ground and avoid environmental fee. Wash drain plug
in
lawnmower gas.

29) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil.

30) Beer.

31) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes
with oily gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip
with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp
edge of frame.

32) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to step 31.

33) Cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10-minutes.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to stop blood flow.

38) Beer to stop pain....

39) Ditto.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil from
steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Pulled-over and arrested for DUI.

8) Car towed and impounded .

49) Call loving wife; make bail.

50) 12-hours later; bail out car.


MONEY SPENT :

Parts $50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Towing Fee $175.00
Impound Fee $75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $40.00

TOTAL: $4,340.00


BUT, YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT ! ! !
 

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Adding...

22a) Burn hand on manifold while pulling out oil filter. Bounce head off the hood as a reflex twitch from the burn

22b) Ask wife to go buy polysporin. Apply polysporin on burn wound

22c) Have another beer to cool off the bump on the head
 

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the filters on our cars are SO hard (IS300) to access. Its quite annoying to do. Everytime I do mine, my forearms are filthy nasty.
 

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the filters on our cars are SO hard (IS300) to access. Its quite annoying to do. Everytime I do mine, my forearms are filthy nasty.
Good thing you don't birth farm animal's.


Digger08
 

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:lol: Too funny!

... the women's version seems pretty accurate if you change Jiffy Lube to Bullock City @ $30 ;)
 

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Yup. Its a royal pain in the butt if you have big forearms and don't have the right tools.
 

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Yes, I must agree IS300s are pain in the ass. I have the exact fit tool for the filter so its easier for me haha.
 

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Corrections - 8000K not 3000 Miles/ no one takes cheques anymore/ 20 minutes at Bullock - not happening!


1) Pull into to "Bullock City" when the mileage reaches 8000-Kilometers
since the last oil change.

2) Drink a hot cup of coffee and relax.

3)60-minutes later, Pay cash and leave with a well-maintained vehicle.


Digger08
 

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It is much easier to change out the oil filter from the bottom. Just unscrew the three screws and flip out the under panelling.
 

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Corrections - 8000K not 3000 Miles/ no one takes cheques anymore/ 20 minutes at Bullock - not happening!


1) Pull into to "Bullock City" when the mileage reaches 8000-Kilometers
since the last oil change.

2) Drink a hot cup of coffee and relax.

3)60-minutes later, Pay cash and leave with a well-maintained vehicle.


Digger08
Lolol. Very Accurate!
 

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It is much easier to change out the oil filter from the bottom. Just unscrew the three screws and flip out the under panelling.
I definitely can't go from the top. My forearm doesn't even fit between the intake manifold and the strut mount. So no go from up there.

From underneath, its still REALLY hard to get your hand on the filter itself. I reach in from forward of the subframe as I think its impossible to get to from behind the subframe as the steering column comes down in the way.

Then once ur hand is on the filter and you realize you need tools, I gotta pull out like 12" extension in order to access the filter.

I dunno how Bullock does it so fast. They must have tiny hands.
 

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It may come easier to me, as I have changed oil on 1/2 million vehicles in my life.

I would be happy to show anyone at the next meet (in warmer weather) the trick for big handed people to remove the oil filter using only a basic band wrench, with very little effort.


Digger08
 

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My trick to access from top is to put a cloth on the manifold, roll up the sleeve and reach in and unscrew it. The filter comes out in between two banks on the manifold by the strut tower. I had to trim one of the plastic clamps that hold wire harness by the tower as I was scratching my hand there every time due to tight space...

Why I do it myself vs paying someone else to do it: I worked in an oil change shop and a garage for a few years and I know what happens occassionally (no offence Digger :) ). This way I only have myself to blame, or rather just have a beer to forget ;)
 
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