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Being 33, I’ve come to learn over the years that there are surefire ways to say, “I’m a dumb stupid mother****er!” simply by what one chooses to do to his car. I use “his” as the predominant pronoun here because, somehow, most women are either smart enough or genetically predisposed to avoid doing dumb things to their cars, instead opting to pay for cutesy license plates and obnoxious stringy things to hang from their rear view mirrors, which in a sense is a dumb thing to do to a car, but not dumb in the grand scope I’m about to explain below. Also, the preceding sentence is NOT a run-on, despite what many of you might think. You don’t read this column to think, so just cut it out.<p>

I ask one thing of you: please, no matter your age, when you finish reading this column, send me money, even if you can’t afford to. After that, I implore you to go look at your car, and if you find it afflicted with any of the monstrosities listed hereafter, please either remove said monstrosities or kill yourself. This may seem harsh, but the reality is that other people are driving with you on the roads, and they ARE having conversations like:<p>

MAN: Look at what that dumb stupid mother****er did to his car. Christ.<p>

WOMAN: Oh sweet Jesus. What was he thinking?<p>

MAN: He wasn’t thinking. He’s a dumb stupid mother****er.<p>

WOMAN: Honey, don’t you think “dumb” and “stupid” are a bit redundant?<p>

MAN: Dear, look at what he did to his car.<p>

WOMAN: God, you’re right. (pause) What a dumb stupid mother****er.<p>

BABY: (in backseat) Muvafuka.<p>

You may not want to believe it, but trust me, it happens more than you can imagine. The purpose of this column, then, is to help you to avoid being to target of this sort of hate and animosity. You will thank me later.<p>

<b>STUPID THING NUMBER ONE:</b> Modifying a Car That Has Less Horsepower Than a 1992 Craftsman Snowblower<p>

Just stop it. If you’re driving a $10K Civic with an anemic four-banger under the hood that has a total of 89 horsepower, you’re just doomed. Give it up. Do NOT consider it a “good starting point” and put an exotic coffee-can exhaust and a dash-mounted tachometer on it. It won’t be any faster, and you’ll just look like a tool for thinking you can make it be anything other than a sorry Civic with a janky exhaust that makes a hilarious [Vetinari] BUUURRZZZTTTTT when you floor it. You can’t. It’s a Civic. Deal.<p>

<b>STUPID THING NUMBER TWO:</b> Tinting All Your Windows Pitch Black, Including Windshield<p>

Not only does this impair your night vision to the point where you’re apt to vehicularly rape pedestrians and neighborhood pets, but it also is a surefire way to get tickets every time you start your car. Also worth considering is the reality that this, in fact, does not make your car look badass or aggressive or cool – it makes your car look like some teenage punk moron owns it who’s seen The Fast and the Furious a few dozen times too many, and that he suffers from the same heavy, sweeping, tragic spinal damage as did the makers of the god-awful movie. I made this mistake of tinting my windows when I was a young idiot, so I am trying to save other young idiots from doing the same.<p>

Oh, and let’s talk about the cop/ticket thing, because that’s where young idiots get burned. Cops love braindead sluggards like you who black their windows out – cops love them more than anything, except maybe shooting bad guys in the neck at close range. Cops can’t get enough of surly guys who black their windows out because it’s a guaranteed ticket, it’s impossible to argue, and they know you sank a goodly amount of money into getting the windows tinted out, so there’s no way in hell you are going to tear the tint out to avoid paying the ticket. So pay the ticket you will, and then, the very next week, you’ll get another. Then another. Then another. Before long, your ticket fees will have paid for the Police Department Christmas Party and new, Kevlar-reinforced nightsticks to beat the town drunks with.<p>

But that’s not the end of it. Pretty soon, squad cars will be showing up in front of your parent’s house, and officers, smiling all the while, will kindly request that your parents keep doing whatever it is they did that made you so amazingly stupid. Stupidity pays, the cops will say, and your son is a walking, scowling, slouching ATM. They’ll thank your parents and leave, and before you know it, you’re disowned from the family, separated suddenly and tragically, doomed from that point on to move in with your Uncle Ted, who, unfortunately, smells far too strongly of baby oil and kicks inanimate objects while wearing a tinfoil hat. You’ll have become a failure in every sense of the word, and you will have your blacked-out windows to blame. If only you had suppressed your retardation and passed on the blacked-out windows. If only.<p>

<i>If only.</i>

<b>STUPID THING NUMBER THREE:</b> Audio Bass Levels Loud Enough to Collapse Nearby Neighbors’ Lungs<p>

Yeah, you heard me. You know that $2500 sound system you just installed into your $10K dollar, racing exhaust equipped Civic with blacked-out windows? Well, it sucks. You suck. Everything about it sucks. There is no goddamn reason to have bass so loud that it rattles everything on your car that’s not welded down. No reason whatsoever. Not only does something like this once again beg the cops to write your dumb ass another ticket, but it also does a great job of advertising to other motorists that you’re a brain-damaged ****stick and you have absolutely no appreciation for music. Aside from car audio shows in which violent ******** and other undeveloped life forms gather to try and blow each other’s eardrums out, there is no redeeming use for bass levels that drown out the rest of the music so thoroughly and completely.<p>

For a handy reference, I will happily illustrate the conversation that will serve as the harbinger of doom for you, the omen that will surely come your way to reaffirm that your life, from this point on, will amount to a rusty lunchbox filled with rotting meat:<p>

JERK: Hey man, is that a 7000-watt subwoofer I hear?<p>

YOU: Yeah man.<p>

JERK: Wow, you can’t hear the music at all!<p>

YOU: I know! All you hear is bass! The vocals, mid-range, and treble are totally hosed! ****in-a!<p>

JERK: Man, you’re a real piece of trash! Kickin’ rad!<p>

YOU: Thanks man! I’ve been told I’m hopeless failure!<p>

JERK: Wanna go watch some Nascar and hit on my sister with me? She’s got teeth!<p>

YOU: Teeth? I’m in!<p>

******* gayness ensues. Your life spirals downward forever, eventually landing with a wet, heavy splat on the damp floor of failure. Nice work, loser.<p>

So really, there you have it. Three simple things that you should avoid so that, sometime down the road, you might be able to turn out normal, like me. You want to ignore this, tell me to screw myself, and take your chances? Fine by me, but don’t come to me later in life, lonely and penniless, and moan that I was right, that you’re a terrible flop, oh and how can you save yourself? Because I will do what any long-lost acquaintance will do, which is namely laugh in your face and take the two dollars you stole from some homeless guy’s hat.<p>

Don’t say I never warned you.

37 Posts
LOL, don't forget to add the having the car so low that just the inside of the tires touch the ground, or changing the emblem of your car for another brand.
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